Here are some of the reasons, just the ones I managed to recognize.
When the routine, ordinary life, ordinary responsibilities, show up in front of me, asking where is my motivation to accomplish my plans, I ask myself the same question and the only thing I can see in front of me is you and the gigantic fear of losing, even for a moment, the peace, the comfort, the perspective of life and ordinary days I have with you. I opened to you every layer of my ordinary behavior, ordinary thoughts, ordinary desires, ordinary plans. Facing the reality where you don’t exist to share the day with me, makes me freak out. Every time, I am not freaking out of fear, but freaking out for feeling and recognizing the existence of this fear. I get scare with the size and deepening of this fear, how it became part of me.
I am not ashamed of feeling like this, I am grateful and have no regrets. You showed me another dimension of myself, of what I can imagine and desire and what my priorities are now. But still, I freak out sometimes.
And everytime this happens, I just need some distance (small one for now), some time to feel myself on my own skin again. I need to go back to the solid inner part of me, where you already exist and is as solid as everything else that builds me, but is also where my strength and confidence are storage. On these foundation of myself I found the courage, the stability and the peace of mind to accept the changes that life is shouting out loud.
You don’t disappear when we separate. In matter of fact, you manifest yourself in the reality I builded and then I have time to look and examine every detail of what have been constructed day by day, side by side.
Sometimes I just need time alone. Time to talk with myself and contemplate what my subconscious, intrinsic and visceral thoughts had made of you, and time to deal with the instinctive part of me that is freaking out like the crazy woman I never thought I would be.
I don’t know if this relationship is healthy, or good for us.
The thing is, I got so madly in love with you that I don’t know if I should call this love or madness.
What to do when the only way you know to deal with pain is through self destruction?
How much of this is love and how much is construction?