I have to say that, for someone like me, that had being selfish, coward and distant of personal contacts the entire life, this distant relationship thing came to me as my surrender. Is an act of devotion, an internal struggle between my ego and my heart, and the choice to keep this battle going on based on a fucking instinct, an energy so strong that I can’t doubt is truth.
I wanted to make this statement.
I miss looking into your eyes and seeing that truth being shouted so clear and loud to me, and that sight was the fuel for the fire I hold for you inside me. And as I stared into your eyes, for the last seven months, I had this fire consuming me and vibrating life around.
Now, I can’t see your eyes. I can only imagine, or remember (maybe it’s the same process), but my mind can’t give me the glow of life you held. And now, I have to keep the fire by my own, finding fuel in every emotion I can hold with me. I have to search, take care and organize feeling, memory and idea, to produce more fuel.
Sometimes, I honestly go crazy. An urge to protect myself at all costs from witnessing the dissolution of your presence, to run on the opposite direction of us. All the moments I considered turning away, I felt ashamed, I felt your fire burning on my belly and my feet stuck to the ground.
For someone like me, selfish, coward and distant, this is my surrender that cames as an act of devotion. I can only say that I am learning more than on any other period of my time. My devotion to you manifests itself as this sudden will of being better, better with myself and others. My love for you makes me capable of loving others in a more empathetic and far less agressive. Loving you made me capable of love.