Ok, I was expecting internal changes as result of the external and behaviour changes. So far, the only outcome is the distance I took from my own reactions, what allowed me to recognize them and my first response to it – let’s smoke a cigarette, you need a joint, fuck all this shit I dont want it anyway, is everyone’s fault that I can’t do what I expected.
I create my own hell, expectations, anxiety, frustrations. But exactly how?
What I want right now? To run away again, to drop my arms down and let all the plans, and consequently expectations, fall on the ground. To take me to some far and safe place from schedules, obligations,tasks, appointments. To hold back my energy and time and invest it on myself again, cook in silent and without rush, eat without compromise but with the pleasure of nurturing me, exercise my body on flow movements instead of the rampage of a check list. To walk observing things around instead of looking at the watch every 5 minutes. To perform daily rituals according with the natural cycles. To be able to listen my thoughts without jumping into rational strategies for matching them with my conscious’s will.
I know this is the oasis I build for myself in the desert of every day struggle, and for being nothing more than a mirage, offer me the danger of dying of thirsty for following an illusion.
I shall walk at night, guide myself with the cold blanket of darkness where I can honestly feel my own skin aching instead of the crazy sun heat.
There’s nothing else I can do, except be conscious of the tent I build for myself at day and the silent path I take at the night of my own thoughts.