10.04

I will start looking at this with a clear and non judgmental perspective. 

Maybe all this things are related, somehow physical, spiritual and mentally are manifesting hidden desires and easy solutions. 

I get closer to my period and this weird electric energy fuels my breath coming directly from my stomach. At some point, the pressure inside can’t find any normal and natural way to be relieved, transforming all the self destructive mode a choice, once more. I’ve been here several times before, at the end of the feist, the orgy through which I found the peace of a numb mind. My whole body feels weak and intoxicated, so much food, weed, moody comments, arrogant thoughts and all this chewing and swallowing of old inconvenients and uncomfortable feelings. 

Is full moon again, all this incredible and magical energy becomes unsustainable for me, feeling like an extra twist on the screw that holds my balance, make it tigher. 

So far, I am stuck on the basic response. Isolation or self destruction. And the only thing involved is to decide which part of me I will sacrifice, the bounds that connect me to reality, or the bounds that connect me with myself. 

This time, once again, I choose to cut the bounds with my internal needs instead of honoring it in a sacrifice to myself.

I feel weak, confused​, tired, ugly, fat and swallowed, and I stilk have this twisted vibration on my stomach. When I first got home on Friday, I couldn’t choose nothing different; when I decided to celebrate with bootle of wine, weed and bread I had already chosen this outcome. 

I hate feeling weak, and all the rest of the list too. I hate to feel that I betrayed myself again, that I got distracted once more. 

Can’t say when this will change, but for now, I accept it, I ask sorry to my body and spirit and I choose, once more, to reunite me, no matter in how many pieces I’ve made myself.

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