To be completely honest, this is not a lent anymore. I could be disappointed, sad or angry ( I am actually, but not entirely convinced that is a true feeling), I am glad for giving me this chance, this break, and be able to release myself from old ideas. The addictive behavior is still here, the obsessive and intense attitude too. But at least I am not only that.
There’s, in fact, something that is bordering me, an old realization that has being proven itself as my ground bases.
I feel there’s a constant fight inside me. One part craves for balance, is aware of the consequences of self destruction, and wants to nurture and take care of myself and others. This part seems to be conscious of time passing and its insignificance, is comfortable with life’s astonishing perspective of meaningless daily activities and can feel peace with the present state.
The other part, an also equal part, wants to break, to revolt, to make a manifest against conformity, against balance, against reality. This part gets angry about the same insignificance of time and life moments and wants to turn every day into a statement, a celebration where the feist is my energy, body and future. Self destruction, the destruction of everything seems the only way out of the anguish of ordinary life.
I wonder if I would be able to really find a balance, a place, a state of mind where I can satisfy myself, or at least not kill myself in rampages of egocentric pleasures.