I know I over think, but that gives me the time, space and action to recognize my attitudes and behaviors, even though there’s a delay on the whole process.
Additionally, I am on my pms, so I know some stuff are out of the order, I am emotional, needy, melancholic and closed to myself again. So I recognize that I am putting an extra meaning in all this because of the way the situation in being interpretated inside my head.
On Sunday I realized what bothered me, asked sorry and acknowledge my oversensibility to the subject. I thought, like many times before, that the drama was solved with this act.
What made me uncomfortable was the feeling that something changed on you. You were treating me in the same way, being tender, emojis and stuff. Was worried about my WhatsApp connection, and where I was. But still, even though the care and worry attitude was truth, your interest on me wasn’t.
I could feel that you weren’t paying attention, that automatic answers and questions were the base of the conversation, and mostly, that you were angry at me.
You mentioned about the Sunday “you started to send sweet messages and I didn’t understood”. That happened to me after you said that there was, indeed, something wrong. To admit there was something bothering you came with an over reassurance of your attention and love. Still, that didn’t felt sincere to me.
Over this week some acknowledgements came to clearness. One of them is how much I wait and need your constant appreciation, and how this is an important base for the concept of love I have. Feeling that you finally got bored, tired, uninterested on me scared me the most. I felt even more insecure and used the natural response of my ego, I took cover, hide, took distance from the possible arrow of disappoinment that was already coming in my direction.
It felt like something inside me broke, trembling the base of of safety and certain I have of us. I realized you can get tired of me.
I understand now that this is my problem, and relying my love on the safety you give me is almost the same as not giving you the same safety and certain. Maybe this is my mistake, responding to the situations with an agressive attitude, closing me, easily getting moody, is also shaking things inside you, transforming the certain and comfortable you see on us into an unsettle and unbalanced situation.
And for that I ask sorry, with my mind and heart. I knew my mood swings, intense reactions, and over sensitive ego could ruin us at some point. And somehow, you’ve been giving me the safety that no matter how weird and crazy I am, you would be there for me, undoubtly loving me and my unstable personality. This is not interely truth, I understand and respect that.
Love is a creation that we both saw as possible and felt the eager to build. Is something to be constructed, demolished, reconstructed and repet it for how long we still want to have this monument for us.
The major part for me is honesty, to build this magnificent castle, tower, palace, garden, with care and attention. By saying this I know the huge pressure it can be, the unbeareble idea of a task to be accomplished, but this is not how I see it. It is indeed heavy and one of the most important mission I ever had the courage and will to stood up for. But for me, there’s no other way of doing it if not with all my heart, mind, honesty and attention.
I take this fucking serious. I don’t want you to walk on thin ice because of me, don’t want to feel that you are making efforts to stand and bare me, or that you don’t feel comfortable to talk to me being always afraid of trigging some intense reaction. Please, If I am being this to you, we have to talk. And if I ever became this to you, we have to talk.
I want to be your companion, I want to be your refuge, a safe place for you to find peace and strenght at the end of the day, to feel appreciated and nurtured. I don’t want to be a burden, a risk, or a uncomfortable companion from which you have to be aware the whole time to not let yourself show intirely.
I find all this in you, and I ask you to be honest with me and with yourself, to see if I am being able to give you the same. If not, I am eager to listen what exactly is bothering you, how I am hurting you and how you would prefer to be.