Just leave me alone (in my mind)

I keep learning all this computer shit and dreaming with us having fun building a circuit, a 3d printer, our home security system, or trolling internet on the behalf of anarchism.

Anúncios

35 degrees, inside and out
Your fingers between me,
I can only shout
Your name or what I can say
From every spot I sprout
Slipping on every pair of lips
Your name, your skin, your fault
And on my bed, I want nothing more
than to be moaning loud

I can’t wait until I am old

Every morning I fantasyse with the perfect morning of my old age. I would open my eyes, while slowly listening to noises outside the window. I would hear Brazilian birds, dogs and trees calling me outside the bed. I would leave my bed with a smile of gratitude and open the windows to let the sun bath my body one day more. I would probably be the first one to welcome the house in the morning, and heat up the oven while coffee smell makes the trick to wake up everyone else. Naturally, I would not be alone. I would drag myself to the warmst place in the grass, extend a mat and curve myself in a elderly and gracious sun salutation. I would let my joints, bones and muscles stretch the memories of life through out my body, breathing in and out the green air that blows between trees. I would hug my family every morning as soon as they are up, calling for the beauty of the day and the gift it is to have another day on earth. I would rush to the garden, wearing my plastic boots and gloves, bend my still good knees on the dirt, and witness life growing ground up. I would have installed several speakers around the farm (oh yes, I would live in a farm), which would be use for music and lunch time alarms. I would see all my lovely family come from different directions, from the gardens, trees, warehouse, workshop, and sit together under a major tree in the center of everything. I would nurture myself with recently harvested ingredients and beautifully colored plates, being cooked for some of us in a weekly rotate system. Next week, I would join the kitchen staff. After lunch, we would rest a bit in the sun and shadows, taking a nap or having a coffee and cigarette. Just enough to refocus on the daily task. I would be old enough, to choose to meet my books and texts in the balcony, while Kendy continues to build something in the workshop. The day would slowly go by, with dogs, hopefully kids, dreams and plans weaving around the house. The dinner, oh the dinner, would be a special moment where everyone would have the chance to share what they learned during the day. What is troubling our minds, our hearts, what kind of challenge we faced today, what kind of thought have we come with. Dinner would mean sharing, food, knowledge, attention and care. There would be wine, obsviously. Tabacco, weed, cigars, music, fire, books, delicious conversations. The gradually tiredness of a well lived day would come to embrace us all, taking one by one to its comfortable resting place, in the house and in one’s mind.

I can’t wait until I am old.

If I said I no longer wait for you in the images of my future, I would be lying. But if I said I am still fantazisying about having my future with you, that would also be a lie.

What’s left of us, in me, is that constant empty feeling of not having you

goddess and demon

You said you see me as a goddess, and in between, as a demon. This statement hurt me deeply, and I come here to expose how harmful this is, for me and for our relationship.

In the first moment, you see me as a goddess, perfection, completion. You feel admiration, trust, protection. I am the strong image you need to build yourself on, to feel safe, to have courage, to be bold. And all I do, work, say, move, feel, is always behind this tight figure of what I am.

When I am the demon for you, I am crazy, manipulative, evil, horny bitch. You feel scared, fear, insecurity, loneliness. Only because I hurted or offended you, like any other human being is able to do. In this moment, I am the one who’s guilty of being unstable, uncontrollable, too emotional, too idealist.

I don’t know if you can see how harmful this is, how selfish, petty (kleinlich) and immature this is. It hurts me deeply to have it clear before me that I was really alone all this time, with you watching me by distance, admiring or crucifing me based on your own ego. I never had you side by side, you never saw me as a human that wanted a partnership, the fucking thing I’ve been screaming and crying about for so long.

Now I fucking understand the long drive hours siegen – cottbus, with me deseperately crying for help, company, for a DAMNED RELATIONSHIP, and you were distant.

I am just an image, an statute that you used to feel safe and secure with yourself. I am nothing more than your internal goddess to which you only want to receive blessings and make simbolic offerings.

You were so selfish by leaving me alone, leaving me distant, leaving me in silence. And all this because you cant put yourself on your own shoes and stand by my side, is easier and safe for you to hide behind me, to ignore things, to avoid conflicts so you can run safely to the awesome images on your mind. How many times I was crying, asking for help, because I wanted to talk, and you could only blame me for feeling what I was feeling and leaving in silence so you could lock yourself in your happy daydreaming.

FUCK, THAT HURTS!

I alwasy saw exactly who you are. I always treated my love for you carefully and with an intense dedication. I analyzed, I did rituals to heal myself, I went to fucking ayahuasca Feb 2017 with thi in my mind: Why I was not able to give you the love I wanted to give, what was the compromise I was doing to you, what was love after all? I made a huge effort of keeping myself aware, conscious and honest about my love to you. I NEVER TRIED TO MANIPULATE YOU, on the contrary, I made a huge effort for you TO FUCKING FIND YOURSELF.

But no, I am the bitch, the untrusful person. Meanwhile, you left me alone, you backed off from almost every plan, and you even have the courage to say that finishing uni was something you were doing for me, without understanding that you sucked me into your own crises because you needed me there, you needed you amulet, your goddess so you could feel brave enough to dare. And I was there, a human, alone, being sucked out so you could fulfill your goals.

BUT MY GOALS, I SHOULD DO IT ALONE. I SHOULD WORK FOR IT BY MY OWN, like you were used to believe the goddess do.