Things I need in order to be happy and fulfilled

  • Sun
  • Sun – Skin contact
  • Freedom
  • To dance regularly
  • Long stoned urban walking periods with earplugs
  • To sleep
  • Daily yoga
  • Lots of water
  • People with similar interests, goals, curiosity, guides
  • Less small talk
  • More deep talk
  • Less complaint
  • Less complaining people
  • To write
  • Eat my own way
  • Less men
  • Time for myself
  • Connection with my surroundings
  • Silence

Anúncios

I see myself
waving arms, hair and thoughts
up and down through tropical streets
while blowing your presence around me
with every drag I take.

So smoky and frail
by the company of my phantom version of you
I wonder if we would share days
bodies, bed, food, air, dreams and
universe again.

goddess and demon

You said you see me as a goddess, and in between, as a demon. This statement hurt me deeply, and I come here to expose how harmful this is, for me and for our relationship.

In the first moment, you see me as a goddess, perfection, completion. You feel admiration, trust, protection. I am the strong image you need to build yourself on, to feel safe, to have courage, to be bold. And all I do, work, say, move, feel, is always behind this tight figure of what I am.

When I am the demon for you, I am crazy, manipulative, evil, horny bitch. You feel scared, fear, insecurity, loneliness. Only because I hurted or offended you, like any other human being is able to do. In this moment, I am the one who’s guilty of being unstable, uncontrollable, too emotional, too idealist.

I don’t know if you can see how harmful this is, how selfish, petty (kleinlich) and immature this is. It hurts me deeply to have it clear before me that I was really alone all this time, with you watching me by distance, admiring or crucifing me based on your own ego. I never had you side by side, you never saw me as a human that wanted a partnership, the fucking thing I’ve been screaming and crying about for so long.

Now I fucking understand the long drive hours siegen – cottbus, with me deseperately crying for help, company, for a DAMNED RELATIONSHIP, and you were distant.

I am just an image, an statute that you used to feel safe and secure with yourself. I am nothing more than your internal goddess to which you only want to receive blessings and make simbolic offerings.

You were so selfish by leaving me alone, leaving me distant, leaving me in silence. And all this because you cant put yourself on your own shoes and stand by my side, is easier and safe for you to hide behind me, to ignore things, to avoid conflicts so you can run safely to the awesome images on your mind. How many times I was crying, asking for help, because I wanted to talk, and you could only blame me for feeling what I was feeling and leaving in silence so you could lock yourself in your happy daydreaming.

FUCK, THAT HURTS!

I alwasy saw exactly who you are. I always treated my love for you carefully and with an intense dedication. I analyzed, I did rituals to heal myself, I went to fucking ayahuasca Feb 2017 with thi in my mind: Why I was not able to give you the love I wanted to give, what was the compromise I was doing to you, what was love after all? I made a huge effort of keeping myself aware, conscious and honest about my love to you. I NEVER TRIED TO MANIPULATE YOU, on the contrary, I made a huge effort for you TO FUCKING FIND YOURSELF.

But no, I am the bitch, the untrusful person. Meanwhile, you left me alone, you backed off from almost every plan, and you even have the courage to say that finishing uni was something you were doing for me, without understanding that you sucked me into your own crises because you needed me there, you needed you amulet, your goddess so you could feel brave enough to dare. And I was there, a human, alone, being sucked out so you could fulfill your goals.

BUT MY GOALS, I SHOULD DO IT ALONE. I SHOULD WORK FOR IT BY MY OWN, like you were used to believe the goddess do.

There are some things I want you to understand, some things that come from who I am, and are not a choice or drama. Some things are structural part of my way of living, thinking, of being me, of seeing and understanding the world and everyone on it.

I am stubborn and goal orientated. I build the image of my future, based on my crazy (but somehow coherent) branch of ideals (which are all very important for me), and fight every day to make it happen. I can’t see a point on my life where I will be settle, even though I know it will eventually happen.  But still, I see every one of my days as worth living, as worth the struggle to reach the next one and fulfill bits of the future image.

When I don’t have this image, when my heart don’t know where to go, my feet just stop moving and I am trap in a motionless and desperate cage.

I am, by nature, seeking intensity, crises and grow. I am, by heart, pushing myself out of every comfort zone I can catch sight of. I agree, I came back to my Brazilian/Paulista comforte zone, to what was familiar and safe for me. And by doing it, I made my choice over us and reach this continent not intending to leave too soon.

I want to be sure you understand that I am not running away from you, but I am running away from Europe. My choice is part my ideals, and part my need to be real, intense and alive. And as much as I admire Europe, and specially Germany, I refuse to be domesticated, colonized, or even worse, I refuse to give up on this land.

Another part of me is the need of a common ground where we both step and walk on. I need us to want, desire, and work for the same thing. A place where we are both giving and taking, sharing energy, plans, frustrations, effort and results; in our professional lives as well as in our intimate life. Is essencial to be in full partnership, to share the process of building life and through life, being material, emotional, sensitive or soul conditions. And I don’t want anything else less than this.

I know we want and we have this. But I don’t know how to deal with this emptiness in my future image, of where we are heading. We are both aware of where we, individually, are going. You have a two year plan, I have a three semesters one, and there’s nothing unsure about our individual future images. But we should have something in common, something we could be passionate even crazy about, and something we could develop to make us free, make everyone more free.

When I left Germany I knew what my choice meant. I lost control over our future, my future with you, and I left the destiny in charge to make what is meant for us.

Micha, I want you after these two years. I want you in my whole life, and I am struggling for so long with the idea of losing you, of handing over the biggest treasure of my life. But even by running the awful chance of losing you forever, either by you going far away in another direction or me breaking your heart and our connection with this decision, I don’t want to continue in this relationship anymore, not until it makes sense.

 

Zugspitze

I was never ambitious enough to say I would conquer the world, love someone for real or climb a mountain. And after one year, these are the things I fell I’ve accomplished.
Micha and I drove 700km to the foot of the Zugspitze while I fantasized with sunny, clean days on the lake, sweet wild animals, and the mysterious idea I had of the Alpen. The same naive thought as when I took the plane to Germany, not aware of the dimensions of such endeavor.

Is not like I was completely unprepared, I did yoga challenges in Youtube, daily planks and fuckin squats in an attempt to make me strong enough. But even all the yoga in the world would not prepare me for the 2962 meters of the highest mountain in Germany.

As soon as we reach the first inclinated fields, I was already behind, struggling with my legs, lungs and stomach, while guys ahead were having fun sweating. No problem, I thought, as long as I can go slowly but steady, I will walk the same path…I have the whole day anyways. Treading stones under my boots and eyes, breathing in between the clouds that floated mountain up, while holding my heart in every metal cable I could secure myself on. It didn’t took much until I was left behind with Micha waiting for me at every 10 meters, passing through baby goats jumping around, vivid and delicate wild flowers, and the astonishing view of every step up.

Four hours later, after stones and snow, the real shit started. Climb mountain up, with everything my hands, arms, legs, feets and safety belt could do. We could hear small waterfalls of melted ice sliding down the surface, rocks rolling at each step and an ocasional puta que pariu that slipped out of my lungs. Every movement was filled with fear, respect,and a growing desire of reaching the top and overcoming the imense difference between the Zugspitze and my tiny, heavy body.

We did it. We reached the top in 8 hours, ate our sandwiches in the line between Austria and Germany with sunny -5 degrees, took selfies, a pee and started the whole way down.  My body was tired, destroyed I would say, beyond any kind of physical limit I ever reached before, but still glad and thrilled after one of the best orgasms of my life.

The way down was also hard, slippery and slowly. I made us reach the forest at sunset, facing the shadows of trees and stones while walking with a flashlight. Can’t we just call a helicopter? The answer is, that costs a lot of money and would be shameful to be on the Bavarian TV the next day. Good thing is, fresh water from the Alpen and the most beautiful starry sky in the middle of a dark forest, are for free. We finished in 17 hours (well prepared people made it in 14h), went home thanking for flat concrete floors at 1 a.m., and surrended to a final horizontal position.

Through all this year, I dragged myself up and down, stepping with fear, breathing heavily and having every limit being challenged. I conquered my voice in a different language, I overcame the cold and darkness of my own winter, I stretched my body, mind and heart limits, I felt the extension of what is to love someone, and I lost myself  by doing it. Micha took me all the way up and down, lighted up the trail, walked with me without questioning my limits and gave me more of the world than I would expect. Now, at the feet of our mountain, we are both new, unique and fresh.

Ale:

Oi coração!
Que bom ouvir notícias suas.
Eu sei que deve ser hard para você essa experiência toda,esses contextos diferentes,essas barreiras civilizatórias que você vem vivenciando marcam um novo sentimento a ser despertado.
Vc é uma mulher do mundo e é isso que mais me orgulha em você.
Não deixe de ser isso que vc é, essa curiosidade que abraça o diferente essa energia de possuir toda a dimensão do alcançável.
Sinto sua falta,das nossas conversas de como você estimulava as catapultas de um saber que eu pensava ter soterrado.
Vejo no seus caminhos grimpados aquilo que gostaria de ter feito,mas de um jeito ou de outro verei o mundo do mesmo jeito,só que pela dimensão da sua vista.
A vida aqui segue do jeito que você deixou e por benção ou por maldição assim continuará.
A nau da vida sempre precisa de timoneiros que se arrisquem em águas mais profundas.
Lembre se do amor que sentimos por você,mas carregue a certeza que tenho orgulho demais de você e da sua coragem.
Acho que estou ficando sentimental hahahaha.
Beijos com afeto do seu velho tio.
Te amo profundamente minha japonesinha.
Viva a vida,sorve do que ela te da.
Pois o mundo é seu.
Titio.

Masdar Abu Dhabi, 2007 Foster and partners

Masdar Abu Dhabi, 2007 Foster and partners

The problem with the process of constructing a city from the sketch is disconsidering the process of ocupation. A city can’t be a product, offered by the end of it’s production. It has to grow, construct, developmento associated with the initial occupantion of the urban environment.
Plus: workers should, as part of the work agreement, receive a housing unity and a possibility of integrantion in the city, not in the outkirts, improvised,
inaccessible regions of the urban dynamic. Instead should be part of the planning conceptual bases.
Completely new cities seems an unstoppable horizon, and it’s uniform aesthetic as result of the contemporary (pos-contemporary?) imagination, an inevitable result.
Therefore, the inclusion of the continuity of the urban formation should be used as the linear projection of the city development. The steps of the project, it’s implementation must consider the construction site as it’s initial existence, activity, movement, fluxes, axes and access. A city can’t be produced in the same industrial spirit. Cities emerged,survived and remained having human and social development as its spark and fuel.

Personally, I doubt that its possible to create a city without social dynamic as fundamental step of the urban space.