2.05

Sabe, as vezes a gente acredita tanto na ideia, sente tão fundo como verdade, que passa a reconstruir partes​ dela na sua projeção. 

Eu mudei tanto, tanta coisa em mim mudou. Talvez uma das coisas que mudou sustentava a minha ideia. 

 Eu to com tanto medo de não me apaixonar de novo. 

To michael

I know I over think, but that gives me the time, space and action to recognize my attitudes and behaviors, even though there’s a delay on the whole process.

Additionally, I am on my pms, so I know some stuff are out of the order, I am emotional, needy, melancholic and closed​ to myself again. So I recognize that I am putting an extra meaning in all this because of the way the situation in being interpretated inside my head. 
On Sunday I realized what bothered me, asked sorry and acknowledge my oversensibility to the subject. I thought, like many times before, that the drama was solved with this act. 

What made me uncomfortable was the feeling that something changed on you. You were treating me in the same way, being tender, emojis and stuff. Was worried about my WhatsApp connection, and where I was. But still, even though the care and worry attitude was truth, your interest on me wasn’t. 

I could feel that you weren’t paying attention, that automatic answers and questions were the base of the conversation, and mostly, that you were angry at me. 

You mentioned about the Sunday “you started to send sweet messages and I didn’t understood”. That happened to me after you said that there was, indeed, something wrong. To admit there was something bothering you came with an over reassurance of your attention and love. Still, that didn’t felt sincere to me.

Over this week some acknowledgements came to clearness. One of them is how much I wait and need your constant appreciation, and how this is an important base for the concept of love I have. Feeling that you finally got bored, tired, uninterested on me scared me the most. I felt even more insecure and used the natural response of my ego, I took cover, hide, took distance from the possible arrow of disappoinment that was already coming in my direction.

It felt like something inside me broke, trembling the base of of safety and certain I have of us. I realized you can get tired of me. 

I understand now that this is my problem, and relying my love on the safety you give me is almost the same as not giving you the same safety and certain. Maybe this is my mistake, responding to the situations with an agressive attitude, closing me, easily getting moody, is also shaking things inside you, transforming the certain and comfortable you see on us into an unsettle and unbalanced situation. 

And for that I ask sorry, with my mind and heart. I knew my mood swings, intense reactions, and over sensitive ego could ruin us at some point. And somehow, you’ve been giving me the safety that no matter how weird and crazy I am, you would be there for me, undoubtly loving me and my unstable personality. This is not interely truth, I understand and respect that. 
Love is a creation that we both saw as possible and felt the eager to build. Is something to be constructed, demolished, reconstructed and repet it for how long  we still want to have this monument for us.

The major part for me is honesty, to build this magnificent castle, tower, palace, garden, with care and attention. By saying this I know the huge pressure it can be, the unbeareble idea of a task to be accomplished, but this is not how I see it. It is indeed heavy and one of the most important mission I ever had the courage and will to stood up for. But for me, there’s no other way of doing it if not with all my heart, mind, honesty and attention. 

I take this fucking serious. I don’t want you to walk on thin ice because of me, don’t want to feel that you are making efforts to stand and bare me, or that you don’t feel comfortable to talk to me being always afraid of trigging some intense reaction. Please, If I am being this to you, we have to talk. And if I ever became this to you, we have to talk.

I want to be your companion, I want to be your refuge, a safe place for you to find peace and strenght at the end of the day, to feel appreciated and nurtured. I don’t want to be a burden, a risk, or a uncomfortable companion from which you have to be aware the whole time to not let yourself show intirely.

I find all this in you, and I ask you to be honest with me and with yourself, to see if I am being able to give you the same. If not, I am eager to listen what exactly is bothering you, how I am hurting you and how you would prefer to be.

25.04 UNA

[25/4 11:32] Midori Hamada: Una, rituais diários para unificar seu corpo, mente e espírito heheh

[25/4 11:32] Midori Hamada: Eu fiquei 1h meditando. Comecei a perceber que existe três tipos de fome em mim.

[25/4 11:33] Midori Hamada: Uma fome física, de nutrientes, de exercícios, de cuidar do meu corpo.

[25/4 11:33] Midori Hamada: Uma fome mental, que precisa de estímulos, se satisfaz em encarar e resolver a vida

[25/4 11:33] Midori Hamada: E uma fome espiritual, que precisa ser saciada com q relação que eu tenho comigo mesma e com os outroa

[25/4 11:34] Midori Hamada: E no fim, eu só conseguia pedir que me dessem a chance de ser una, de saber me nutrir e saciar cada umas das fomes, com o alimento que elas precisam

[25/4 11:35] Midori Hamada: Ao invés de exagerar em estímulos fisicos quando a minha fome é espiritual, ou deixar morrer de inanição pq dou mta comida pra minha mente

19.04 hard times

[19/4 21:23] Midori Hamada: O foda desse role todo de lidar com a sobriedade é que eu to destruindo os meus esconderijos, mas nao a vontade e necessidade de me esconder. As vezes eu nao tenho pra onde ir, nenhum dos meus antigos refúgios é seguro pq agora eu entendo do que eles estavam me ocultando e o buraco parece mto pequeno pra eu conseguir me proteger. Tem vezes que fica tao difícil que eu só queria voltar a caber, tento me enfiar, escondo o rosto mas consigo sentir que metade de mim fica pra fora, exposta e envergonhada.

[19/4 21:24] Midori Hamada: Sério, sem droga, sem álcool, sem tabaco, sem sexo, sem carne. O que resta disso tudo parece um caminho solitário. Ainda assim, é o único caminho que eu ainda nao explorei. Mas ta foda

[19/4 21:33] Midori Hamada: E uma das coisas sublimes do vício é que ele nao passa de um esforço, um escapismo inconsciente, de se afagar, de se dar prazer quando a sua mente nao encontra prazer na realidade, no presente. É por isso que eu acho que tudo isso é ansiedade, começou a me parecer possível estar satisfeita se eu entendesse que não existe mais nada além disso agora e eu nao ia precisar mais escapar, pq nao tem saída, é só tempo. Começou parecer possível aceitar o tempo e trabalhar com ele.

[19/4 21:38] Midori Hamada: Mas sei la, na real acho que é uma brisa doidona de ayahuasca e cogumelo misturado que me fez sentir tudo isso nos últimos meses. Mas isso nao inválida o raciocínio. Só nao sei se é possível viver nesse estado vivendo a vida que nem um escravo egípcio mental, a única coisa que se espera de mim é acordar e ir suar minha capacidade cognitiva pra pesquisar no Google ou preencher tabelas. Mas já to indo longe com essa brisa.

17.04

I am reborn, new again, begging a new cycle. I can feel the energy in me growing and spinning, moving me and in me and pushing me foward with motivation, joy and gratitude. 

Still, not everyone can feel this in the same way, or acknowledge the persistence and heaviness of our own thoughts and interpretation into the process of building reality. 

I can’t avoid being mad, disappointed and ashamed of people around me with lazy, self pity and cynical behaviors. I understand​ that I have an unique source of energy and motivation, that rises from the sacred place of my self unity, I understand that not everyone found this so far. But still, for how long people will keep destroying their environment, relationships, dreams, desires, projects, reality with childish and selfish attitudes? 
Time is passing, without warning or ceremony. Is flying over us, disguised with the ordinary sensation of linear progression and numb with the logical division of its parts into hours, days, weeks, months.

My time is now, is here, and it’s the only tool I have to build the reality I look for. It’s the matter of existence and the fuel to power my dreams. I have nothing else but the power and right to apply my passing slippery time on my daily rituals of self construction and heart cravings. 

I hope people around me will have the same motivation, understanding and interaction with time and life.

To live boundlessly, free and, if not so yet, strong to break the chains of every day slavery of unrealistic self pity amd egocentrism. 

But again, I am being terrible arrogant thinking I found something more than everyone else. Sorry for giving me right, even for a moment, of feeling somehow superior. Be noted that this is not what I want to feel, but some persistent feeling. 

13.04

To be completely honest, this is not a lent anymore. I could be disappointed, sad or angry ( I am actually, but not entirely convinced that is a true feeling), I am glad for giving me this chance, this break, and be able to release myself from old ideas. The addictive behavior is still here, the obsessive and intense attitude too. But at least I am not only that. 

There’s, in fact, something that is bordering me, an old realization that has being proven itself as my ground bases.

I feel there’s a constant fight inside me. One part craves for balance, is aware of the consequences of self destruction, and wants to nurture and take care of myself and others. This part seems to be conscious of time passing and its insignificance, is comfortable with life’s astonishing perspective of meaningless daily activities and can feel peace with the present state. 

The other part, an also equal part, wants to break, to revolt, to make a manifest against conformity, against balance, against reality. This part gets angry about the same insignificance of time and life moments and wants to turn every day into a statement, a celebration where the feist is my energy, body and future. Self destruction, the destruction of everything seems the only way out of the anguish of ordinary life. 
I wonder if I would be able to really find a balance, a place, a state of mind where I can satisfy myself, or at least not kill myself in rampages of egocentric pleasures.