02.06 until when?

[2/6 17:27] Midori Hamada: I am at the last day of the seminar, professors are going wild because today we should develop some new research agenda, they are discussing non stop and its fun to watch, its nice to see how excited they are. But I can’t stop thinking how idiot is all this. They already now all this, they have no idea of what to study now

[2/6 17:29] Midori Hamada: They are rambling around the same point of view with no new perspective, no proposition to change this fucking system. I am almost exploding here creating this whole speech in my mind

[2/6 17:30] Midori Hamada: At the same time, my mind cant take out of my view this visa problem, the fear of not having you again, and what I am fucking doing with my life?

[2/6 17:37] Midori Hamada: I don’t know if I should say what I am thinking, because I am just a fucking graduation student, and they all are professors with more than 50 years

[2/6 17:37] Midori Hamada: But I freaking out here

[2/6 17:38] Michael Scholtyssek: Oh Babe..

[2/6 17:39] Michael Scholtyssek: Grab just someone you feel you could reach with that spirit and make him or her discuss with you. You think it is possible?

[2/6 17:44] Michael Scholtyssek: Are you going to have a little celebration or sit in or similar?

[2/6 17:45] Midori Hamada: No, I am going to sao bernardo immediately after this

[2/6 17:52] Midori Hamada: I will wait until the day you will say to me to set fire in the world and follow my eagerness to manifest the truth in which I believe.

1.06 micha

I had to organize things first. I thought a lot these last few days and could see more clear some of the thoughts that are following me the past few weeks. I will start by saying what I think is the best way to deal with this situation now, but I am here to talk and I believe we can work this out together.

I want to see you on August, I want to wait for you to come back from Kubus while I try to play with Lilith and Google translate my feelings to your mom. I am desesperate to see and feel you again, to take a walk through the forest, sit in the grass and talk for the first time looking directly into your eyes. I want you to look at me, to remember how it’s to feel me close, how I react, how my hands move while I am talking. I want this to happen as fast as possible, and I hate the idea of waiting any longer.

But I don’t think you will be able to forgive or seriously give me a second chance while we are still a part. I don’t think we will be able to handle all the feelings, the grudges, the pain and offenses without being able to recognize our love, our bond, our connection, the look in our eyes and the silent language of our bodies. 

I strongly believe that you will keep suspicious, doubting, and analysing me. I understand this behavior, and I don’t blame you. I blame me. I believe you will ask me to be more close, more open, to share every detail of every regular day life. And I do want to do all this, but after the past few months I realized I am not able to be completely there through digital conversations. I think you will be jealousy, trying to pick any sign of a potential lie under my lips, and I can’t stand that. 

So I suggest us to loose up a bit, to ask a bit less from each other. To give us space to perform our lives without this phantom companion, to which we go seeking comfort and end up passing right through it and with our faces in the floor. Let’s be honest, as much as I want, try, do, or talk, I wont be able to fulfill your cravings and needs (please, be noted that I am not saying sexually, but things like help you to take care of Steffi, take care of you when you are down, join you in a Sunday walk or entertain you at a bar Saturday night). 

What I am proposing is that we start to see each other as friends, just for the next 60 fucking days. This is one of the things I realized, you are my best friend and I want this to be manifested. At this present state, we are not boyfriend and girlfriend, I can’t give you what you need and you can’t give me what I need. But we can still feel each other moving together, we can still feel how much we count on each other, how much we wait and crave to share life again. I still feel, strongly as before, how much I care for you, how much I worry about you and how much I am cheering for your plans and our plans. 

One of the reasons why I am suggesting this is because one of the things you said to me on Sunday really hurt me, but I also see the truth on it. You said I am holding you back, that because of me you can’t focus, can’t organize yourself, basically that I am stealing your energy and motivation. This is exactly the opposite of what I wanted to do, and I got really sad and kind of offended to see that I am not helping, motivating, pushing you forward in the way I desired. You know me enough to be aware that I don’t want, at any point, be someone that blocks other people’s way, and it’s even worse to feel I am blocking the way of someone I love.

I understand I am difficult and intense, I can create a huge burden and pressure, I am anxious and maniac, besides being terrible rational analytical (something that makes people think I don’t have feelings, I am cold, or that I can control myself emotionally because I don’t feel enough). I know I am selfish and egocentric, that I am always seeking​ my own pleasure. And, what I think is the worse for you (as well as worse for everyone that loved me so far), I am uncontrollable, undomesticated and confident enough to be almost completely free. And I’ve been here before, this scares people that wait to see some kind of  dependable behavior (and one of the persons I hurt most with this is my mom, and now you). I know you don’t want me to depend on you, I know you don’t want me to lose part of my personality, but I also know the pain for the feeling that I don’t need you. I don’t need you Michael, but I want you. That’s the difference. I don’t need you to have fun, but I am desesperate to have you close again so we can have fun together, I don’t need you to build my self-esteem​, but I want you to make my strength grow stronger. I don’t need you to protect me, but I want us to fight side by side for life.

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, maybe even before you went back to Germany. I’ve been living without you for 5 months now, and I survived loneliness, emptyness, parties, movies, rainy days, sunny days, family problems… I can live all this without you, but I dont want to. 

The thing here is that I recognized this seven months of struggle as a beautiful time period to fight and work my way to you, as a special moment in life that deserved to be enjoyed at its fullest, lived at every moment and appreciated without doubt. I didn’t regret of choosing you, choosing this battle, choosing to fight for you. 

But I’ve got seriously chocked when I realized you were not seeing this period in the same way. That for some reason, the only thing that was making sense to you was suffering, was moody and without energy. I recognized this week how mad I am at you because of this. I am pist, angry because I didn’t feel you as part of the time, as someone I could count on. I started to see you as someone weak, negative, someone that was in fact holding me back, someone that was preventing me to live this moment at it’s fullest (again, I don’t mean sexually, I mean being happy for having the means and the ways to work for our plans, to be glad and strong in every action, to rejoice and celebrate the power and will we have to build our future).

Loosing the test, never being excited about anything, acting with some kind of lazy teenage attitude when facing the efforts you would have to invest to make our future works, to finish University, to dream with a job, to build our way out of this scrutinized​ reality. I stopped trusting you as someone that would fight side by side with me, with joy and gratitude to have the strength and partner to do so.

I realized that you are depressed, not like moody, but as a seriously mental condition. I am worried as hell for a long time now, worried about you, about us and about me. In the last​ few months I already tried to be direct and talk, to help you, to push you and to just support in the means you allowed me to. Nothing worked, and I understood at some point that there were nothing I could do, I was not making you better, happier, motivated. 

The only effects I had on you was troubling your mind, making you worry a lot, hurting you when I didn’t share the same low mood, making you angry when I was showing you I was having fun, and basically, I have this feeling that I am some kind of bug in your mind that don’t allow you to rest, enjoy or chill because you are constantly worrying about me. And is not worrying only if I am safe, healthy, happy, but worrying if I am where you think I should be, if I am not making some kind “stupidity” getting drunk and high, if I am not having the kind of fun we used to have together. 

I hate this, I hate the feeling that you need to control me, that you don’t trust me to take care of myself, that you forgot how I am joyful and confident, that you forgot how much energy I have, how I interact with people, how I never give up, never stop fighting and how much I enjoy the sensation of battling for life. I hate to have my fun, power and will be diminished by some negative comment, or that kind of look ” oh, silly Midori”, “you and your stupid ideias (subjects like anarchist, social inequality, latin America exploration) 

What I did last week was me angry, pist and bursting with suppressed energy. I am ashamed and terrible sorry for not being able to recognize this before hurting you this much. I am aware of your problems, your sadness and depression, and it’s really fucked up what I did. I was selfish, extremely egocentric and self centered, I followed my eager for pleasure and joy, and let explode all the excitement and wonderings I’ve been holding. 

It wasn’t fair, I had no right to do this, and I am honestly sorry. 

That’s why I am proposing that solution for us. First because I don’t think you will forgive me while we are still distant. Second because I don’t want to keep being the person that is messying with your mind and motivation, this burden. And third because I don’t want this burden on me either, I don’t want to be in your way and be the reason of your confusion, or create problems for you.

15.05

For some people life is a repetition of ordinary and also familiar situations, pointed with a feel remarkable events that help create a mental map of one’s life story. Lost a teeth at the age of seven, had the first kiss at twelve, faced some interpersonal issues at high school, got rebel and confused at teenage, university, first love, closest friends getting married, marrying someone, and so on. 

For some other people, life is a sequence of random and intense events which not only create timeline marks but also shift and shake one’s entire experience beyond the expected linear path ahead, making its life story look more as a continuous process of unstoppable breaks and a vivid manifestation of one’s will and intention. 

2.05

Sabe, as vezes a gente acredita tanto na ideia, sente tão fundo como verdade, que passa a reconstruir partes​ dela na sua projeção. 

Eu mudei tanto, tanta coisa em mim mudou. Talvez uma das coisas que mudou sustentava a minha ideia. 

 Eu to com tanto medo de não me apaixonar de novo. 

To michael

I know I over think, but that gives me the time, space and action to recognize my attitudes and behaviors, even though there’s a delay on the whole process.

Additionally, I am on my pms, so I know some stuff are out of the order, I am emotional, needy, melancholic and closed​ to myself again. So I recognize that I am putting an extra meaning in all this because of the way the situation in being interpretated inside my head. 
On Sunday I realized what bothered me, asked sorry and acknowledge my oversensibility to the subject. I thought, like many times before, that the drama was solved with this act. 

What made me uncomfortable was the feeling that something changed on you. You were treating me in the same way, being tender, emojis and stuff. Was worried about my WhatsApp connection, and where I was. But still, even though the care and worry attitude was truth, your interest on me wasn’t. 

I could feel that you weren’t paying attention, that automatic answers and questions were the base of the conversation, and mostly, that you were angry at me. 

You mentioned about the Sunday “you started to send sweet messages and I didn’t understood”. That happened to me after you said that there was, indeed, something wrong. To admit there was something bothering you came with an over reassurance of your attention and love. Still, that didn’t felt sincere to me.

Over this week some acknowledgements came to clearness. One of them is how much I wait and need your constant appreciation, and how this is an important base for the concept of love I have. Feeling that you finally got bored, tired, uninterested on me scared me the most. I felt even more insecure and used the natural response of my ego, I took cover, hide, took distance from the possible arrow of disappoinment that was already coming in my direction.

It felt like something inside me broke, trembling the base of of safety and certain I have of us. I realized you can get tired of me. 

I understand now that this is my problem, and relying my love on the safety you give me is almost the same as not giving you the same safety and certain. Maybe this is my mistake, responding to the situations with an agressive attitude, closing me, easily getting moody, is also shaking things inside you, transforming the certain and comfortable you see on us into an unsettle and unbalanced situation. 

And for that I ask sorry, with my mind and heart. I knew my mood swings, intense reactions, and over sensitive ego could ruin us at some point. And somehow, you’ve been giving me the safety that no matter how weird and crazy I am, you would be there for me, undoubtly loving me and my unstable personality. This is not interely truth, I understand and respect that. 
Love is a creation that we both saw as possible and felt the eager to build. Is something to be constructed, demolished, reconstructed and repet it for how long  we still want to have this monument for us.

The major part for me is honesty, to build this magnificent castle, tower, palace, garden, with care and attention. By saying this I know the huge pressure it can be, the unbeareble idea of a task to be accomplished, but this is not how I see it. It is indeed heavy and one of the most important mission I ever had the courage and will to stood up for. But for me, there’s no other way of doing it if not with all my heart, mind, honesty and attention. 

I take this fucking serious. I don’t want you to walk on thin ice because of me, don’t want to feel that you are making efforts to stand and bare me, or that you don’t feel comfortable to talk to me being always afraid of trigging some intense reaction. Please, If I am being this to you, we have to talk. And if I ever became this to you, we have to talk.

I want to be your companion, I want to be your refuge, a safe place for you to find peace and strenght at the end of the day, to feel appreciated and nurtured. I don’t want to be a burden, a risk, or a uncomfortable companion from which you have to be aware the whole time to not let yourself show intirely.

I find all this in you, and I ask you to be honest with me and with yourself, to see if I am being able to give you the same. If not, I am eager to listen what exactly is bothering you, how I am hurting you and how you would prefer to be.

25.04 UNA

[25/4 11:32] Midori Hamada: Una, rituais diários para unificar seu corpo, mente e espírito heheh

[25/4 11:32] Midori Hamada: Eu fiquei 1h meditando. Comecei a perceber que existe três tipos de fome em mim.

[25/4 11:33] Midori Hamada: Uma fome física, de nutrientes, de exercícios, de cuidar do meu corpo.

[25/4 11:33] Midori Hamada: Uma fome mental, que precisa de estímulos, se satisfaz em encarar e resolver a vida

[25/4 11:33] Midori Hamada: E uma fome espiritual, que precisa ser saciada com q relação que eu tenho comigo mesma e com os outroa

[25/4 11:34] Midori Hamada: E no fim, eu só conseguia pedir que me dessem a chance de ser una, de saber me nutrir e saciar cada umas das fomes, com o alimento que elas precisam

[25/4 11:35] Midori Hamada: Ao invés de exagerar em estímulos fisicos quando a minha fome é espiritual, ou deixar morrer de inanição pq dou mta comida pra minha mente