I had to organize things first. I thought a lot these last few days and could see more clear some of the thoughts that are following me the past few weeks. I will start by saying what I think is the best way to deal with this situation now, but I am here to talk and I believe we can work this out together.
I want to see you on August, I want to wait for you to come back from Kubus while I try to play with Lilith and Google translate my feelings to your mom. I am desesperate to see and feel you again, to take a walk through the forest, sit in the grass and talk for the first time looking directly into your eyes. I want you to look at me, to remember how it’s to feel me close, how I react, how my hands move while I am talking. I want this to happen as fast as possible, and I hate the idea of waiting any longer.
But I don’t think you will be able to forgive or seriously give me a second chance while we are still a part. I don’t think we will be able to handle all the feelings, the grudges, the pain and offenses without being able to recognize our love, our bond, our connection, the look in our eyes and the silent language of our bodies.
I strongly believe that you will keep suspicious, doubting, and analysing me. I understand this behavior, and I don’t blame you. I blame me. I believe you will ask me to be more close, more open, to share every detail of every regular day life. And I do want to do all this, but after the past few months I realized I am not able to be completely there through digital conversations. I think you will be jealousy, trying to pick any sign of a potential lie under my lips, and I can’t stand that.
So I suggest us to loose up a bit, to ask a bit less from each other. To give us space to perform our lives without this phantom companion, to which we go seeking comfort and end up passing right through it and with our faces in the floor. Let’s be honest, as much as I want, try, do, or talk, I wont be able to fulfill your cravings and needs (please, be noted that I am not saying sexually, but things like help you to take care of Steffi, take care of you when you are down, join you in a Sunday walk or entertain you at a bar Saturday night).
What I am proposing is that we start to see each other as friends, just for the next 60 fucking days. This is one of the things I realized, you are my best friend and I want this to be manifested. At this present state, we are not boyfriend and girlfriend, I can’t give you what you need and you can’t give me what I need. But we can still feel each other moving together, we can still feel how much we count on each other, how much we wait and crave to share life again. I still feel, strongly as before, how much I care for you, how much I worry about you and how much I am cheering for your plans and our plans.
One of the reasons why I am suggesting this is because one of the things you said to me on Sunday really hurt me, but I also see the truth on it. You said I am holding you back, that because of me you can’t focus, can’t organize yourself, basically that I am stealing your energy and motivation. This is exactly the opposite of what I wanted to do, and I got really sad and kind of offended to see that I am not helping, motivating, pushing you forward in the way I desired. You know me enough to be aware that I don’t want, at any point, be someone that blocks other people’s way, and it’s even worse to feel I am blocking the way of someone I love.
I understand I am difficult and intense, I can create a huge burden and pressure, I am anxious and maniac, besides being terrible rational analytical (something that makes people think I don’t have feelings, I am cold, or that I can control myself emotionally because I don’t feel enough). I know I am selfish and egocentric, that I am always seeking my own pleasure. And, what I think is the worse for you (as well as worse for everyone that loved me so far), I am uncontrollable, undomesticated and confident enough to be almost completely free. And I’ve been here before, this scares people that wait to see some kind of dependable behavior (and one of the persons I hurt most with this is my mom, and now you). I know you don’t want me to depend on you, I know you don’t want me to lose part of my personality, but I also know the pain for the feeling that I don’t need you. I don’t need you Michael, but I want you. That’s the difference. I don’t need you to have fun, but I am desesperate to have you close again so we can have fun together, I don’t need you to build my self-esteem, but I want you to make my strength grow stronger. I don’t need you to protect me, but I want us to fight side by side for life.
I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, maybe even before you went back to Germany. I’ve been living without you for 5 months now, and I survived loneliness, emptyness, parties, movies, rainy days, sunny days, family problems… I can live all this without you, but I dont want to.
The thing here is that I recognized this seven months of struggle as a beautiful time period to fight and work my way to you, as a special moment in life that deserved to be enjoyed at its fullest, lived at every moment and appreciated without doubt. I didn’t regret of choosing you, choosing this battle, choosing to fight for you.
But I’ve got seriously chocked when I realized you were not seeing this period in the same way. That for some reason, the only thing that was making sense to you was suffering, was moody and without energy. I recognized this week how mad I am at you because of this. I am pist, angry because I didn’t feel you as part of the time, as someone I could count on. I started to see you as someone weak, negative, someone that was in fact holding me back, someone that was preventing me to live this moment at it’s fullest (again, I don’t mean sexually, I mean being happy for having the means and the ways to work for our plans, to be glad and strong in every action, to rejoice and celebrate the power and will we have to build our future).
Loosing the test, never being excited about anything, acting with some kind of lazy teenage attitude when facing the efforts you would have to invest to make our future works, to finish University, to dream with a job, to build our way out of this scrutinized reality. I stopped trusting you as someone that would fight side by side with me, with joy and gratitude to have the strength and partner to do so.
I realized that you are depressed, not like moody, but as a seriously mental condition. I am worried as hell for a long time now, worried about you, about us and about me. In the last few months I already tried to be direct and talk, to help you, to push you and to just support in the means you allowed me to. Nothing worked, and I understood at some point that there were nothing I could do, I was not making you better, happier, motivated.
The only effects I had on you was troubling your mind, making you worry a lot, hurting you when I didn’t share the same low mood, making you angry when I was showing you I was having fun, and basically, I have this feeling that I am some kind of bug in your mind that don’t allow you to rest, enjoy or chill because you are constantly worrying about me. And is not worrying only if I am safe, healthy, happy, but worrying if I am where you think I should be, if I am not making some kind “stupidity” getting drunk and high, if I am not having the kind of fun we used to have together.
I hate this, I hate the feeling that you need to control me, that you don’t trust me to take care of myself, that you forgot how I am joyful and confident, that you forgot how much energy I have, how I interact with people, how I never give up, never stop fighting and how much I enjoy the sensation of battling for life. I hate to have my fun, power and will be diminished by some negative comment, or that kind of look ” oh, silly Midori”, “you and your stupid ideias (subjects like anarchist, social inequality, latin America exploration)
What I did last week was me angry, pist and bursting with suppressed energy. I am ashamed and terrible sorry for not being able to recognize this before hurting you this much. I am aware of your problems, your sadness and depression, and it’s really fucked up what I did. I was selfish, extremely egocentric and self centered, I followed my eager for pleasure and joy, and let explode all the excitement and wonderings I’ve been holding.
It wasn’t fair, I had no right to do this, and I am honestly sorry.
That’s why I am proposing that solution for us. First because I don’t think you will forgive me while we are still distant. Second because I don’t want to keep being the person that is messying with your mind and motivation, this burden. And third because I don’t want this burden on me either, I don’t want to be in your way and be the reason of your confusion, or create problems for you.